The Boundry Dispoot by Henry Skipper

The Widder's Rewenge | The Do | The Waddingham St Michael Shew

Yisdy afternoon I'd a bluk come round

Wot wus from Narridge Universalty

Wot hev an intarest in lucal things,

Cos he is a doin some reserchings

Into linguals and historicals and

He hed bin a torkin with our wicar

And the wicar say to him: "Why dunt yew

Go down and hev a word wi ole Henry

Cos he hev lived in Little Waddingham

All his loife and he know a thing or two."

Well, that is wot this bluk dun cos yisdy,

Arter I got back from the Pust Orfice

There he wus on me ole doorstep with one

Of them thar tearpe recordin things a gorn.

Anyrud, we go in and get torkin

And he say that he is intarested

In the way people spuk some years ago

Wot is now a dyin out in these parts

And that he want to reserve it afore

Thass too learte. Well, I say to him that thass

Rite and that hev all come about dew

To the spread of the motor car wot hev

Dun away with tradis trudis proper ole willage loife.

Well, as we wus a torkin he say that

He wus also intarested in poms

And stories and other such ritins wot

Concern willage loife - wot naterally

Brung us onta the subject of the ole

Norfolk Anals wot everyone know of

And wot concern them thar heroicals

And gret deeds wot wus dun by Norfolk Men

Of the parst - at wot point - I say to him

That there wus a lot of new anals too

Wot hent bin rit down cos they is spuk ones

And he wus wery intarested cos

He hent never heard of the new anals

And he say they must be 'aurial ones'

(Wotever that mean.) Well, the upshot wus

That he reckoned I shud rit down all

The new anals wot I could remember

So that they wud be reserved for a toime

When the hull world hev tanned inta contrete.

So he give me some pearper and a pen

And he say I shud rit the new anals

Just loike them old riters hed rit the ole

Anals wot he say was in blanket vurse

And wot use iambical pentagrams

Wot is wot Shakspar rit in. So I say

To him that I'd give it a gud ole go.

Well he hev also arranged to borrer

A tipe riter orf Mrs. Wellesby

Wot do the minutes at our willage hall

So that I can tipe rit up me anals,

Cos he say that they hev to be tiped up

Exactly loike I hev rit them so that

They is toterly orthentical loike.

Well, I reckon yew hev the idea now

So I better finish this prolong and

Get a gorn on the fust of me anals

Wot is an anal wot concern a bluk

Called John Palmer (wot int his real nearme

Of corse, cos the Universalty bluk

Say that I hev to protect misself from

Liballs - wot mean I hev to change the nearmes.

So when I say Palmer that int really

Palmer but somebody else.) So, Palmer

Hev a house on our willage street wot is

Rite next to Archie Wright's house - corse Archie

Int his real nearme either wot with this

Here liball busyness but thar yew go.

Anyrud, the two on em hent really

Seen eye to eye for many a long year,

But that all come to a head agin when

Archie decide to build hisself a new

Hen house for his ole free rangin chickins.

The only problem wus that he started

To build it rite along the line that run

Between thar two proparties. Now that ole

Boundry hev bin the sauce of more dispoots

Than them thar arabs and israils put

Together wot hev in the parst inwolved

Thar solicitators a firin

Letters back and forth. So when ole Archie

Begin his buildin Palmer wus out

Every nite to check that ole boundry.

Well, everythin wus a gorn all rite

Until Archie got onta the roof part.

Now the roof was a slopin roof wot leaned

Out about six inches from the hen house

So when he hed a finished buildin it

At wus actuerly a hangin down

Over Palmer's side of the line, so when

He come out that nite wi his tape measur

He rare near blew a gasgit and next day

He go straight up to Narridge to see his

Legal bluk wot demand that ole Archie

Tearke the roof orf his hen house and put on

A new un wot dint hang over the line.

Well, as yew can imagun Archie wunt

Hevin none of it and when he got it

Orf the pustman he took at rite around

To Palmers - lit at up and stuck at thru

His letterbox. Well, yew can imagun

Wot Palmer thought about that. So, that nite

He waited till Archie hed gorn to bed

Then he come out into his gardun with

His gret ole bow saw and he a sawed orf

That bit of the roof wot hang over his

Side of the boundry line. Well, the next day

Archie come out to get on wi his werk

And at wunt long afore he saw his roof

Hed bin sawed orf. Well, I wunt tell yew wot

He say but yew can tearke at from me that

He wunt wery pleased. Anyrud he got

Straight inta his ole van and went orf to

Narridge urgent to see his legal bluk

And the bluk reckoned that sawin orf part

Of someone's roof constue constip was criminals damarge

So they instig inistig they set orf proceedins straight way.

Anyrud, at was about this toime that

Archie hed some of his chickins killed orf

By a fox or suffin but he reckoned

That at wus Palmer's dog wot hed dun it

(Cos he hed one of them ole Dovermans)

Corse that wunt really Palmer's dog at all

But when Archie get an idea that int

Easy a shiftin him. Well, straight away

He go down to his ole shed and get out

A gret ole tin of weedkiller wot he

Hed hed on his shelf for years and dusted

At orf. Then he go down to the butchars

(Wot is in the main street of our willage)

And get hisself a nice bit of rump steak

Wot he tearke back hume and wot he cover

In weedkiller. Then he snuck round next door

And put at rite next to the back door where

Palmer's dog normerly hed all his food.

Well, the only problem wus that that day

Palmer's dog wunt in cos they hed sent him

Orf to the kennals to do some sirin

Cos at wus a peddy predi a proper sort of dog

Wot wus in demand, so that bit o steak

Lay where at wus until learter on - cos

Y’ see, that evenin Palmer and his

Missus had one of them Barbelly Cues

Wot with at bein a warm evenin,

But as Mrs. P wus a comin out

Of the kitchun with the meat she tript

And the hull lot went a flyin. Well, she

Pick up all the peaces wot she could find

Wot include the bit with the weedkiller,

Wot she dint notice in the commoshun.

Well they started thar cookin and wot with

The charcoal ‘n all they dint notice that

One of the bits was a bit whiffy loike.

Well, unfortunely Mrs P pick out

Just the wrong bit with har tongs and put at

In a nice little bun wi some pickel

And hend it to Palmer wot tuck rite in.

Well, arter one bite he wus a rollin

Around on the ground holdin his stumach

And he was a moanin suffin awful.

Well, she reckoned he was muckin about

Wot he wunt cos he wus in agonies,

But she dint realise - not rite away

But arter a wile she know he wunt

Messin about so she phun 999

And ask for an ambelance to come out

Wot at did rite quick. Next door, Archie hear

The ambelance when at come but he dint

Think nuthin on it cos he reckoned that

They wunt send an ambelance for a dog.

Well, next day when Archie wook up there was

A hull crowd of people outside Palmer's

Wot include three policemen, two wi cars,

An envirological health bluk from

The counsel and one of them ferren furen bluks wot do

Tests for the police. By now Archie was

Startin to regret that he hed dun in

Palmer's dog (corse he dint know that he hent).

Anyrud, he reckoned he shud git rid

O the weedkiller, so he put the tin

In a sack wot he then put in his van.

Howsomever, he wus feelin a bit

Shuk up by now, so he hed a couple

Of nips outta his flarsk wot he keep in

His old jackut pockut - only he

Dint realise quit how many, so when

He got inta his van he wus a bit

The wuss for wear. Well, he rev at up and

He start a reversin outta his drive

But as he was a gorn out his foot slip

And he hit the sellerator wot mean

He shoot outta thar loike a rat outta

A hule - wot wunt hev bin bad if the rud

Hed bin clear at the toime, but at wunt cos

Jus then another Police motor come

Wot Archie plough rite inta the front of

Wot result in em both bein rit orf.

So there he wus, ole Archie Wright, hevin

Stove in a police car and rit orf his

Van, stuck in the middle of our main street

Wi weedkiller drippin out his back doors

And with breath on im wot cud stop a horse.

Well, that thar envirological bluk

Wus the fust to whiff the ole weedkiller

Wot he hed whiffed earlier on on the

Barbelly Cue and he tell the police

And they all tanned to look at poor Archie.

Now Archie, wot int stupid, reckoned that

That wus toime to come clean so he say to

P.C. Thrower (wot is our lucal one)

He say: "I admit it, I killed the dog".

But P.C. Thrower say to him: "Wot dog?"

And Archie he say: "Palmer's dog, of corse."

"But that int dead," say the PC. "That int?"

Say Archie. "No", say the P.C., "that int."

At wot point Archie got wery confused.

"But I am", say the P.C., " a chargin

Yew with the tempted murder of Palmer."

"Tempted murder of Palmer!", shout Archie

Wot cunt believe his own ears - at wot point

That all got too much for him and he faint."

Well, when he come round next he found hisself

In a sell at Narridge Police Stashun

And not long arter he found hisself in

A sell up Narridge nick. Howsomever,

He got orf litely cos the jury knew

That he hent ment to poison ole Palmer

Only his dorg, so they only give him

Six months. Palmer, meantime hed his stumach

Pumped out up at the Narridge Horspital

And in about a week he wus all rite

(Well, as all rite as he can be that is)

But since that nite him and Mrs P hent

Hed another of them Barbelly Cues.

Archie dun his porrudge loike a gud un

And when he come out he hed forgot hens

And wus inta rabbats cos when he wus

Inside he read a book in thar libbry

Wot explane him all about it and now

He hev a breedin cage on his front lawn.

Anyrud, since then there hent bin no more

Trubble between em, but in our willage

We know that that wunt be long afore that

All start up agin. Even our wicar

Hev gived up hope of Archie and Palmer

Ever livin in piece and trank trenq and goodwills.