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The Widder's Rewenge by Henry Skipper

The Boundry Dispoot | The Do | The Waddingham St Michael Shew

The Prufusser come out agin larst week

And he brung with him some of his pupills

Cos they was a hevin one of them thar

Fields Trips - only that dint go orf rite

Cos some on em a stop in afore hand

At 'The Swan' (wot is our willage lucal)

And hev a few pints so by the toime they

Come around to my plearce they wus a bit

The wuss for wear. Well, they wus all lined up

In me back gardun and the Prufusser

Was a tellin em that me anals wus

Part orf a vernak vurnac part orf speekin in Norfolk

When one on em, wot hed bin down the pub,

Suddernly a toppel over backwoods

And come crashin down rite thru one o me

New kukumbar frames. Well, the Prufusser

Give him a rite gud bollockin and he

Give me a tenner wot wus about rite.

But that dint end there, y’ see, cos they hed

All come out on the ole bus becos they

Is also doin suffin about roots

In lucal parts - only the Prufusser

Hent read the toimetable rite - cos Tewsdy

There int an arternoon servis at all

Wot mean they hed to stop over the nite

At 'The Swan'. Well, Fred, wot is the landlord

Hent seen nuthin loike it in all his years

Cos they all gotta pissed up - includin

The Prufusser and they wus a singin

And a shoutin and ole Fred's tekins went

Thru the roof cos normully he only

Get one or two folks in on a Tewsdy.

Anyrud, the Prufusser wus out here

Again yisdy and he brung me some more

Pearper and a new pen cos the old un

Brook and he hev bin urgin me to rit

Me next anal, but I hent bin too gud

Of learte cos I hev bin a laid up with

That thar gastricks wot bin a gorn about,

But I is all rite now so I reckoned

I better get a gorn on me next un

Wot, this toime, concern a woman wot live

In Gret Waddingham wot is rite next to

Little Waddingham - but funnelly that

Int no bigger than Little Waddingham,

But I spose at wus bigger at one toime

Else they wunt hev called at Gret Waddingham.

Anyrud, Edna Farrow wus a ressi rezzy live

In Gret Waddingham - corse Edna Farrow

Int har real name - as yew know by now

Cos I hev to watch out for them liballs.

Howsomever, when this story start orf

Edna hed jus bin made a widder cos

Old Georgey Farrow, har ole man, hed bin

Involved in a wery bad axident

Up at Pond Farm wot wus his plearce of work.

Now, the axident come about dew to

An ole sess pit wot hed bin a trubble

From the word go. Fust orf that leak inta

The River Wad and kill orf half the fish,

Then a bluk from the Milk Markettin Boared

Fall in and near drownded hisself - wot brung

Out them thar Healf and Safeteys wot say that

Turner (wot is the bluk wot own Pond Farm)

Wud hev to put a lid on it - wot is

Wot he dun - only the problem wus that

That wus too tite fittin and hent no wents.

Corse George he knew that that wus dangeross

And he hev a go at ole Turner but

Turner dint do nuthin cos that'd mean

Spendin more money wot he wunt do till

That was loife or death wot, as it happin,

At tanned out to be cos learter on George

Wus a finishin orf a fag not far

Orf the pit and he hull the butt away

Only that wus still a goin and so

That ignishun the gas under the lid

Wot cause a huge almoighty exploshum

Wot wus heard in Waddingham St Peter

Wot is a gud few miles orf Pond Farm

And wot kill poor ole George Farrow outrite,

Not to menshun that that blew up half orf

Turner's farm. Anyrud, that wus a sad

Day all round and as yew can imagun

Poor ole Edna wus beside harself, but

She dint shew it cos she wus alreddy

A workin on a plan - cos she knew that

Turner hent a fixed the ole sess pit lid

So she held him to blame for George’s death

And wus termined to hev har rewenge loike.

Now, Turner he was a battch bacht live on his own

And hed dun for many a year cos he

Wunt much of a catch but he hed allus

Hed a sorft spot for Edna ever since

They wus at Little Waddingham Primry

Wot wus more than a few year ago now.

Anyrud, arter George's death Turner

Reckoned that he moight be in with a chance

So, come the funnerell he break a loife's

Habit and shell out for some nice flowers

And he even do a hend ritted card

Wot he put in along o’ the flowers

And to his suprise Edna wus wery

Friendly and even inwite him back for

The wake - wot he hent expected at all

Cos he reckoned that she'd hold him to blame

For George’s death - wot of corse she did - but

He dint know wot she wus up to, yew see.

Anyrud, over the next few weeks they

Bump inta each other from toime to toime

In the willage and each toime Edna wus

Very friendly to him - wot set him orf

A thinkin that he wus mearkin progress.

Well, one nite shortly afore Chrismus toime

Ole Turner lay awake on his ole bed

A tossin and a turnin and at larst

He decide that he would hev to ask har

Out proper. Well, next day, wot wus Thusdy,

He go down to our willage Pust Orfice

And he hang around outside cos he knew

That Edna allus go shoppin Thusdy.

Well, arter an hour he wus fed up

A waitin so he tan round to go hume

But just as he wus a gorn she come

Down the rud wi har shoppin bags and he

Jump up and go over. Well, poor Turner

Hent dun no courtin for many a year

So he cunt remembar how to go on

And he jus kep a runnin on about

The wether and the sugar beet n all

Till eventual he wus torkin squit.

Well, try as he wood he jus cunt bring it

Round to askin har to go out wi him,

So in the end, he give up and he say:

"Cheerio" and tan round and head orf hume,

But just as he wus a goin she put

A small bit of pearper inta his hend,

Wot, as yew can imagun come as a

Total surprise to ole Turner, becos

He wunt expectin nuthin - not arter

All the squit wot he hed torked. Well, as he

Wus a walkin hume he open at up

And at say: ‘Cum yew around to my plearce

On Sundy arternoon at two o’clock.’

Well, ole Turner cunt hardly believe it

But, he knew that he must be rite cos at wus

Rit there in black and wite on the pearper.

Anyrud, over the next few days he

Cunt keep he mind on his farmwork at all

Cos he wus a dreemin about Edna,

So much so that, one arternoon, he driv

His ole tractor straight inta his cow shed

Wot a brung down half o’ the bluddy roof

And they say that he dint hardly notice.

Well, at larst, Sundy come around and he

Wus up rite early to give hisself toime.

Fust orf he hed hisself a barth wot he

Hent hed since Septembar - then he put on

His best suit wot hent seen the loight of day

Since Narridge won the cup and to top orf

He put on some of that artershave stuff

Wot he won the year afore as a prize

At the ole chutch roof appeel raffell.

So, by the end of the mornin yew wunt

Hev a recognized him - if yew knew him

To start orf, that is. Well, by ellevan

He wus a reddy but he dint want to

Muck up his suit so he dint move otta

His ole chair. Well, at larst the toime come round

And he set orf down the rud to Edna's

And that wunt long afore he wus nockin.

Well, she open up and shew him inside

And they sit in har front room and hev some

Tee n biscuts. Well, arter a while

Edna a start yawnin and she say that

She wus tired and needed to lay down

And she say to Turner: "Wud yew loike to

Come upstairs?" Well, Turner dint hev to be

Arsked twice, cos arter all he wunt stupid,

So he foller har on up to the room

And straight away she tek orf all har things

And hop in the bed and naterally

He loikwise tek orf his things and he wus

Just about to hop in too when she say:

"Wot's that noise I hear?" And he say: "Wot noise?"

And she say: "That sqweekin noise." And he say:

"I carn't hear nuthin." And then she say back:

"That's my gearte wot hent bin put on the latch."

Well, ole Turner still cunt a hear nuthin,

But she go: "I wunt be proper relaxt

Till that gearte hev bin put back on the latch."

Well, ole Turner wunt gonna let a gearte

Get between him and Edna's nice warm bed,

So he grab a little ole hend towal

And he go downstairs and out the front door,

Only when he get to the gearte he find

That that wunt orf the latch at all, so he

Head back to the front door - only to find

When he get there, that that was shut n all.

Well, he bang on the door and he holler

But he soon work out that she wunt gonna

Let him in. Now, on that ticular day

At wus wery cold indeed and he knew

That he cunt hang around long - wot with him

Only hevin a hend towal to wear,

So he soon decide to set orf back hume.

Now to get hume to his from Edna's plearce

(As Edna ritely knew harself) you hev

To go rite thru the willage cos there is

Only one bridge over the River Wad,

So ole Turner dint hev a lot o choice.

Well, he soon got a gorn and to start orf

He wus a doin all rite cos there wunt

Many folks about cos at wus Sundy.

Howsomever, when he got near the bridge

(Wot is near the chutch) he start hearin

Singin - wot naterally make him fret.

Well, he cunt hardly tan round so wot he

Decide wus to start a runnin faster.

Well he come around the ole chutch corner

Runnin as fast as he hed run for years

Only to find the hull of the willage

A standin outside the greaveyard watchin

The W.I. a doin thar own

Carroll concert - wot that year wus a held

Outside cos of the hull in the chutch roof.

Well, I dunt hev to tell yew wot Turner

Felt loike - runnin parst there wi nuthin on

But a hand towal, rite thru the middle

Of Gret Waddingham on a freezin day

With the choir doin 'Wile Shephards Watch',

And with the wicar out front conductin.

Well, as yew can imagun, poor Turner

Dint know weather he was a comin or

A goin. Well, he kep on a runnin

Only, by now, he wunt watchin where he

Wus a gorn and so he put his foot down

On a fruz up puddel and come crashin

Down on the rud way - wot nock him rite out

And wot also nock orf his hend towal.

Well the wicar he keep on conductin

But no matter how hard he try he just

Cunt keep em all togerther - spechally

Arter Mrs. Armitage-Brown brook ranks

And head over to where old Turner wus.

Well, she tek charge of the situashun

And put har coat over him but only

Arter she'd hed a gud ole look harself

And then she phun up the horspital wot

Send out one of them thar amblelances

And tek him orf to the Norfolk Genral.

Well, next day she go up the horspital

To visit him and not long arterwoods

They hed struck up a bit of a friendship,

Cos Mrs. A wus a widder harself.

Well, that all come as a bit of a shock

To the willage folks in Gret Waddingham

Cos Mrs. A wus a propar lady

And Turner - he wunt much of anythin,

But I spose she must hev a seen suffin

In him. Anyrud, the morell of it

Is that when yew is a down on your arse

Wi no clothes orn - on a fruz up rudway

In the middle of Gret Waddingham street

Wi half the poperleshun a watchin

Things can still tan out all rite in the end.






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