Yisdy
afternoon I'd a bluk come round
Wot
wus from Narridge Universalty
Wot
hev an intarest in lucal things,
Cos
he is a doin some reserchings
Into
linguals and historicals and
He
hed bin a torkin with our wicar
And
the wicar say to him: "Why dunt yew
Go
down and hev a word wi ole Henry
Cos
he hev lived in Little Waddingham
All
his loife and he know a thing or two."
Well,
that is wot this bluk dun cos yisdy,
Arter
I got back from the Pust Orfice
There
he wus on me ole doorstep with one
Of
them thar tearpe recordin things a gorn.
Anyrud,
we go in and get torkin
And
he say that he is intarested
In
the way people spuk some years ago
Wot
is now a dyin out in these parts
And
that he want to reserve it afore
Thass
too learte. Well, I say to him that thass
Rite
and that hev all come about dew
To
the spread of the motor car wot hev
Dun
away with tradis trudis proper ole willage loife.
Well,
as we wus a torkin he say that
He
wus also intarested in poms
And
stories and other such ritins wot
Concern
willage loife - wot naterally
Brung
us onta the subject of the ole
Norfolk
Anals wot everyone know of
And
wot concern them thar heroicals
And
gret deeds wot wus dun by Norfolk Men
Of
the parst - at wot point - I say to him
That
there wus a lot of new anals too
Wot
hent bin rit down cos they is spuk ones
And
he wus wery intarested cos
He
hent never heard of the new anals
And
he say they must be 'aurial ones'
(Wotever
that mean.) Well, the upshot wus
That
he reckoned I shud rit down all
The
new anals wot I could remember
So
that they wud be reserved for a toime
When
the hull world hev tanned inta contrete.
So
he give me some pearper and a pen
And
he say I shud rit the new anals
Just
loike them old riters hed rit the ole
Anals
wot he say was in blanket vurse
And
wot use iambical pentagrams
Wot
is wot Shakspar rit in. So I say
To
him that I'd give it a gud ole go.
Well
he hev also arranged to borrer
A
tipe riter orf Mrs. Wellesby
Wot
do the minutes at our willage hall
So
that I can tipe rit up me anals,
Cos
he say that they hev to be tiped up
Exactly
loike I hev rit them so that
They
is toterly orthentical loike.
Well,
I reckon yew hev the idea now
So
I better finish this prolong and
Get
a gorn on the fust of me anals
Wot
is an anal wot concern a bluk
Called
John Palmer (wot int his real nearme
Of
corse, cos the Universalty bluk
Say
that I hev to protect misself from
Liballs
- wot mean I hev to change the nearmes.
So
when I say Palmer that int really
Palmer
but somebody else.) So, Palmer
Hev
a house on our willage street wot is
Rite
next to Archie Wright's house - corse Archie
Int
his real nearme either wot with this
Here
liball busyness but thar yew go.
Anyrud,
the two on em hent really
Seen
eye to eye for many a long year,
But
that all come to a head agin when
Archie
decide to build hisself a new
Hen
house for his ole free rangin chickins.
The
only problem wus that he started
To
build it rite along the line that run
Between
thar two proparties. Now that ole
Boundry
hev bin the sauce of more dispoots
Than
them thar arabs and israils put
Together
wot hev in the parst inwolved
Thar
solicitators a firin
Letters
back and forth. So when ole Archie
Begin
his buildin Palmer wus out
Every
nite to check that ole boundry.
Well,
everythin wus a gorn all rite
Until
Archie got onta the roof part.
Now
the roof was a slopin roof wot leaned
Out
about six inches from the hen house
So
when he hed a finished buildin it
At
wus actuerly a hangin down
Over
Palmer's side of the line, so when
He
come out that nite wi his tape measur
He
rare near blew a gasgit and next day
He
go straight up to Narridge to see his
Legal
bluk wot demand that ole Archie
Tearke
the roof orf his hen house and put on
A
new un wot dint hang over the line.
Well,
as yew can imagun Archie wunt
Hevin
none of it and when he got it
Orf
the pustman he took at rite around
To
Palmers - lit at up and stuck at thru
His
letterbox. Well, yew can imagun
Wot
Palmer thought about that. So, that nite
He
waited till Archie hed gorn to bed
Then
he come out into his gardun with
His
gret ole bow saw and he a sawed orf
That
bit of the roof wot hang over his
Side
of the boundry line. Well, the next day
Archie
come out to get on wi his werk
And
at wunt long afore he saw his roof
Hed
bin sawed orf. Well, I wunt tell yew wot
He
say but yew can tearke at from me that
He
wunt wery pleased. Anyrud he got
Straight
inta his ole van and went orf to
Narridge
urgent to see his legal bluk
And
the bluk reckoned that sawin orf part
Of
someone's roof constue constip was criminals damarge
So
they instig inistig they set orf proceedins straight way.
Anyrud,
at was about this toime that
Archie
hed some of his chickins killed orf
By
a fox or suffin but he reckoned
That
at wus Palmer's dog wot hed dun it
(Cos
he hed one of them ole Dovermans)
Corse
that wunt really Palmer's dog at all
But
when Archie get an idea that int
Easy
a shiftin him. Well, straight away
He
go down to his ole shed and get out
A
gret ole tin of weedkiller wot he
Hed
hed on his shelf for years and dusted
At
orf. Then he go down to the butchars
(Wot
is in the main street of our willage)
And
get hisself a nice bit of rump steak
Wot
he tearke back hume and wot he cover
In
weedkiller. Then he snuck round next door
And
put at rite next to the back door where
Palmer's
dog normerly hed all his food.
Well,
the only problem wus that that day
Palmer's
dog wunt in cos they hed sent him
Orf
to the kennals to do some sirin
Cos
at wus a peddy predi a proper sort of dog
Wot
wus in demand, so that bit o steak
Lay
where at wus until learter on - cos
Y’
see, that evenin Palmer and his
Missus
had one of them Barbelly Cues
Wot
with at bein a warm evenin,
But
as Mrs. P wus a comin out
Of
the kitchun with the meat she tript
And
the hull lot went a flyin. Well, she
Pick
up all the peaces wot she could find
Wot
include the bit with the weedkiller,
Wot
she dint notice in the commoshun.
Well
they started thar cookin and wot with
The
charcoal ‘n all they dint notice that
One
of the bits was a bit whiffy loike.
Well,
unfortunely Mrs P pick out
Just
the wrong bit with har tongs and put at
In
a nice little bun wi some pickel
And
hend it to Palmer wot tuck rite in.
Well,
arter one bite he wus a rollin
Around
on the ground holdin his stumach
And
he was a moanin suffin awful.
Well,
she reckoned he was muckin about
Wot
he wunt cos he wus in agonies,
But
she dint realise - not rite away
But
arter a wile she know he wunt
Messin
about so she phun 999
And
ask for an ambelance to come out
Wot
at did rite quick. Next door, Archie hear
The
ambelance when at come but he dint
Think
nuthin on it cos he reckoned that
They
wunt send an ambelance for a dog.
Well,
next day when Archie wook up there was
A
hull crowd of people outside Palmer's
Wot
include three policemen, two wi cars,
An
envirological health bluk from
The
counsel and one of them ferren furen bluks wot do
Tests
for the police. By now Archie was
Startin
to regret that he hed dun in
Palmer's
dog (corse he dint know that he hent).
Anyrud,
he reckoned he shud git rid
O
the weedkiller, so he put the tin
In
a sack wot he then put in his van.
Howsomever,
he wus feelin a bit
Shuk
up by now, so he hed a couple
Of
nips outta his flarsk wot he keep in
His
old jackut pockut - only he
Dint
realise quit how many, so when
He
got inta his van he wus a bit
The
wuss for wear. Well, he rev at up and
He
start a reversin outta his drive
But
as he was a gorn out his foot slip
And
he hit the sellerator wot mean
He
shoot outta thar loike a rat outta
A
hule - wot wunt hev bin bad if the rud
Hed
bin clear at the toime, but at wunt cos
Jus
then another Police motor come
Wot
Archie plough rite inta the front of
Wot
result in em both bein rit orf.
So
there he wus, ole Archie Wright, hevin
Stove
in a police car and rit orf his
Van,
stuck in the middle of our main street
Wi
weedkiller drippin out his back doors
And
with breath on im wot cud stop a horse.
Well,
that thar envirological bluk
Wus
the fust to whiff the ole weedkiller
Wot
he hed whiffed earlier on on the
Barbelly
Cue and he tell the police
And
they all tanned to look at poor Archie.
Now
Archie, wot int stupid, reckoned that
That
wus toime to come clean so he say to
P.C.
Thrower (wot is our lucal one)
He
say: "I admit it, I killed the dog".
But
P.C. Thrower say to him: "Wot dog?"
And
Archie he say: "Palmer's dog, of corse."
"But
that int dead," say the PC. "That int?"
Say
Archie. "No", say the P.C., "that int."
At
wot point Archie got wery confused.
"But
I am", say the P.C., " a chargin
Yew
with the tempted murder of Palmer."
"Tempted
murder of Palmer!", shout Archie
Wot
cunt believe his own ears - at wot point
That
all got too much for him and he faint."
Well,
when he come round next he found hisself
In
a sell at Narridge Police Stashun
And
not long arter he found hisself in
A
sell up Narridge nick. Howsomever,
He
got orf litely cos the jury knew
That
he hent ment to poison ole Palmer
Only
his dorg, so they only give him
Six
months. Palmer, meantime hed his stumach
Pumped
out up at the Narridge Horspital
And
in about a week he wus all rite
(Well,
as all rite as he can be that is)
But
since that nite him and Mrs P hent
Hed
another of them Barbelly Cues.
Archie
dun his porrudge loike a gud un
And
when he come out he hed forgot hens
And
wus inta rabbats cos when he wus
Inside
he read a book in thar libbry
Wot
explane him all about it and now
He
hev a breedin cage on his front lawn.
Anyrud,
since then there hent bin no more
Trubble
between em, but in our willage
We
know that that wunt be long afore that
All
start up agin. Even our wicar
Hev
gived up hope of Archie and Palmer
Ever
livin in piece and trank trenq and goodwills.
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