Larst Tewsdy
week I'd a reporter bluk
Come round wot
wus from our lucal pearper,
Wot is the
Easten Dailey Press, wot
Want to do one o
them thar intarvues
On me cos, y’
see, the Prufusser hev
Bin orn Radeo
Norfolk a torkin
About me, and so
the editar bluk
At the EDP must
hev reckoned that
I wus worth a
story in his pearper.
Well, the
reportar bluk wot they send out
Dint git orn too
well cos, y’ see, he wus
One o them thar
cubs reportars wot hed
Only just moved
up here from Buckenham
So he dint
rearly know his way around.
Well, he set orf
from Narridge okay, but
When he get to
Gret Waddingham he tearke
The wrong tannin
and he go orf alorng
Low Rud towoods
Waddingham St Peter
Wot is toterlly
the wrong direckshun.
Now, bein as how
he wus a bluk from
The city he wunt
used to our ole ruds
And so he driv
alorng far too farst, wot
Wunt hev bin too
bad - only we hed hed
A hooge amount
of rain leartly wot hev
Warshed a lotta
mud orf o the fields
Onta the ruds.
Now, harf way down Low Rud
There's a wery
narsty ole corner wot
A dubble back
orn itself - wot yew hev
To tearke very
moderately. Well, he
Go a steamin
round there doin at least
Thatty miles an
hour and as he
Wus a tannin he
run inta a hooge
Lump o mud wot
send him rite orf the rud
And straight
inta the ditch. Now, cos o orl
The rain wot we
hev bin hevin leartly
That ole ditch
wus full to bustin and so
He cunt just
step outa his motor, so
He hev to wade
back to the rud - wot wunt
A gud idea cos,
y’see, the ditch run
Outa the back o
Harroven's pig farm
So that int very
sweet. Well, anyrud
He cunt shift
his motor so he go up
The rud and he
nock up ole Harroven
And arsk for a
hend and ole Harroven,
Wot is a
nayberly sorta bluk, he
Git out his ole
tracter and he a tow
The reportar's
motor outa the ditch
And back onta
the rud, but when the bluk
Come to start it
agin that wunt go cos
That hev too
much warter inside o it.
Well, by then,
the toime was a getting orn
And the reportar
bluk wus worried that
He wunt git his
intarvue on me dun,
So Harroven
agree to driv him round
To moine in his
tracter, but by the toime
He git there I
hed alreddy gorn out
Cos, y’ see,
Tewsdy nite is me crib nite
Up 'The Swan'.
Well, ole Harroven point him
Up the rud and
that wunt long afore he
Tan up in the
bar, but as soon as he
Step inside he a
stink the hull plearce out -
Wot wi that thar
ditch warter – and so Fred
Order him out -
at wot point he cunt tearke
No more and he
slump down onta a chair.
Well, Fred
tearke pity on him and he say
That he can
warsh hisself up in the Gents,
Wot is wot he
do, and when he come out
He do his
intarvue on me and then
He sit in orn a
gearme o crib and he
Loos a tenner
so, y’see, rearly, that
Wunt his day orl
around. Well, anyrud
I better git a
gorn on me next un,
Wot, this toime,
actuerlly concern old
Harroven cos, y’see,
he's married to
A gal called
Vanessa - o corse that int
Har real nearme
- nor for that mattar is
Harroven his
real nearme but, o corse,
Yew know orl
that by now. Well, Venessa
Wus fermous in
Waddingham St Peter
(Wot is where
they live) cos, y’see, she wunt
Happy with har
stashun in loife cos she
Dint think much
to ole Harroven bein
A pig farmer,
cos o the smell n orl
And she dint
think much, nyther, to thar house
Cos she reckoned
that that wunt big enuff
And wunt
locearted in the rite part o
The willage. So,
wot she do to mearke up
For orl o that
wus to hev 'do's' where she
Invite orl the
posh folks from the other
End o the
willage so that she cud tork
About it learter
down the Pust Orfice.
Now, it just so
happin, that a few year
Ago an ole
widder woman move up
To Waddingham St
Peter from Surray
And straight orf
Venessa knew that she was
The sorta person
wot she shud inwite
To one o har
do's. Now Venessa, wot
Is a wery nosey
person - she arsk
About the
willage and she soon find out
That the widder
woman's ole man hed bin
One o them thar
Wing Commandar bluks, wot
Hed flew durin
the war, wot straight away
Convince har to
hev anuther one of
Har do's. Well,
next day she go round puttin
Inwites thru
folk's lettarboxes, but
When she come to
the widder's - instead
O just puttin it
thru she mearke a point
O nockin har up
so she cud go orn
To har about har
do's. Well, in the end
The widder a say
'yis' - must probabley
Just to git rid
on har, and Venessa
Go hume feelin
very chuft wi harself.
Now, Venessa wus
determined to mearke
This ticular do
har best ever, so
She git ole
Harroven a gorn on jorbs.
Now, fust orf
she hev him lay a new parth
Out the front,
so that har gessts wunt hev to
Walk parst the
pig unats on thar way in.
Next she hev him
fix thar sign cos, y’see,
The dubble yews
hed fallen orf so it
Read 'illo Farm'
instead o 'Willow Farm',
And larst orf
she send him up to Narridge
To the dellycat
delleec to the posh food shop wot they hev
To git har some
things - wot include them thar
Stuft ollaves,
that ole celarmey sossidge
And some o that
sorce for har vooleevongs.
Now, wile orl
this was a goin orn
Our lucal Animal
Rites Grup - wot hev
That hidkwarters
some plearce up in Narridge -
Was plannin thar
next raid. Now, it happin
That, at the
toime, they was concertratin
Thar efferts orn
pigs cos, y’see, they dunt
Loike pigs a
bein reared for eatin, nor
Them bein lockt
up in them unats.
Now, it just so
happin that outa orl
The pig farms in
Norfolk the one wot they
Pick out tan out
to be ole Harroven's
And the day wot
they pick tan out to be
The searme Sundy
as Venessa's ole do.
Well, o corse,
Venessa hent no idea
Wot was a headin
har way and so she
Just carry on wi
har preparashuns.
Well, the day in
queschun soon come around
And har gessts
start a tannin up about
Elevan thatty,
and she greet em orl
At the front
door in har posh voice wot she
Allus put on for
har do's cos, y’see,
She hev hed some
o them ellocew elocush torkin lessins
Wot mearke har
sound very posh, but realy
She tork just
loike orl o the rest o us.
Anyrud, the
widder tan up at twalve
And Venessa
mearke a hooge fuss o har
And straight orf
tearke har around the hull room
Introdushin har
to orl the folks, loike
She hed a known
har for years - wot, o corse,
She hent - cos
that was only a fortnite,
And then she
collar har up a corner
And go orn to
har about har bran new
Barthroom - wot
she hed just hedda put in
And wot hed one
o them thar beday things
Wot the French
folks hev, wot she only hev
Cos she reckoned
that that wud mearke har one
Up on everyone
else. Now, meantoime,
Out in the rud
them Animal Rites lot
Hed orl tanned
up in thar ole transat van
And was alreddy
harf way acrorse the
Field towards
Harroven's pig unats.
Now, becos it
wus a Sundy, there wunt
Noboddy about
cos ole Ted - wot is
Harroven's pig
bluk - dornt werk on Sundys
And, of corse,
Harroven wunt about cos
He wus in the
livin room at the do,
So they dint hev
no trubble walkin in
And that wunt
too long afore they started
To open up the
unats and shew out
The pigs. Now,
it happin that Harroven's
Back yard act
loike a sorta funnell, so
Soon there wus
hundrids o pigs a pressin in,
But there wunt
no plearce for them to go to.
Well, it wus at
that point that one o them
Animal Rites lot
decide to open
Harroven's back
door and let in a pig,
But the problem
wus that arter they hed
Let one in they
cunt git the door closed up
So about thatty
others go in too.
Well, that wunt
wery long afore them pigs
Find thar way
inta Venessa's kitchun
Wot is just
alorng from the back door, but
Luckerly they
cunt git no further cos,
Y’ see, the
door between the kitchun and
The house was
shut - but the trubble wus that
That dint end
there cos, y’ see, Venessa
Hed left one o
them thar percolearters
A goin on the
side - wot wunt hev bin
A problem only
the wire from it
Wus hangin down
over the edge, so that
Wunt long afore
one o the pigs git its
Snout around it
and yank the hull lot orf
The top - wot
bring down a cupple o pints
O boilin warter
rite onta the back
O a hooge gret
ole sow - wot, o corse, go
Woild with the
pain. Now, the fust thing that
She crash inta
was the ole door between
The kitchun and
the rest o the house - wot
Wunt rearly up
to much and so that come
Straight orfa
its hinges. Now, out the back
The pigs wus
still a pressin in so that
The ones wot was
in the kitchun was orl
Gittin
agertearted, so when a bit
O spearce appear
- naterally they charge
Forward. Now,
the fust o the pigs thru wus
The gret hooge
ole sow wot head orf alorng
Venessa's
hallway and then a tan rite
At the end and
go straight inta the ole
Livin room where
the gessts was locearted.
Now, yew can
imagun wot Venessa
Must hev felt
loike when orl o a sudden
A hooge gret pig
strole inta the middle
O the room just
as har gessts was startin
Orn thar trifell
- but, y’see, the thing was
That the gessts
- they wunt harf as horreyfied
As wot the pig
wus cos, y’see, she wunt
Exspectin a hull
room full o humans
And so she do
wot most beests do when they
Git fearful -
only that dint qwite come out
As a lump but
more loike it wus squerted
Outa a gardun
huzz. Now, the fust one
To cop it wus
our vicar cos, y’see,
He wus standin
directley behind har
And he wus so
shockt that he go over
Backwoods and
sit down on the gattoo, wot
Wus on one o
them littel ole trolleys
Wot hed wheels
orn so, y’see, when he
Sit down that
shoot rite out from under him
And that catch
Mrs Ogilvy rite up
The backside and
she go head fust inta
The lemon cheese
cearke - but, that dint end there
Cos, y’see,
when the other pigs come in
The ole sow git
tanned round a bit so that
Har back end wus
then a pointin in a
Differunt
direckshum - wot happin to be
The direckshum
where the ole widder wus
Sittin, so when
the sow do har next squert
That go orl over
the widder's posh frock.
Well, as yew can
imagun, Venessa
Wus horreyfied
and straight orf she holler
To old Harroven
to do suffin, but
To be onest
there wunt a lot wot he
Cud hev dun -
even it he'd bothered to
Try - wot, in
fact, he dint. Well, anyrud,
Venessa rush
over to the widder
And she start
tryin to clean har up with
Some pearper
napkens, but she dint git far
Cos they int
wery gud aginst pig muck,
But, y’see,
wile she wus bendin down
Next to the
widder woman the ole sow,
Wot everyone
thort hed finished by them,
A hev one larst
go - wot becos she wus
So low down -
catch Venessa in the fearce.
Now they wunt
sure weather it wus the smell
Or weather it
was the shock of it, but
Anyrud, she pars
out and Harroven
He hev to phun
up for an amblelance
Wot soon come
out from the Norfolk Genral
And pick har up
- only, cos o the smell
They hev to hev
the back doors open orl
The way back to
Narridge. Well, Venessa
Wus orl rite cos,
y’see, she only hev
A bit o that
thar shock and that wunt long
Afore she was
back out at 'Willow Farm',
But since then
she hent hed no more of har
Do's - wot
Harroven hev bin chuft about
Cos he never did
loike em anyway,
And wot's more
he hent hed qwite so many
Jorbs to be a
doin about the plearce.
Well, that only
leave me the morell - wot
This toime is
that, in loife, yew shunt try to
Be suffin wot
yew int cos in the end
That'll allus come
round and catch yew up
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