The Waddingham St. Michael Shew by Henry Skipper

The Boundry Dispoot | The Widder's Rewenge | The Do

Yisdy mornen I'd a filim crew round

Wot wus from Narridge Televishun, wot

Wanta do a progrum on me becos,

Y’ see, me anals hev took orf now - wot

With me hevin bin in the newspearper

And wot with the Prufusser hevin bin

Orn the radeo so, y’see, they want

To reserve me on filim afore its

Too leart. Well, they orl tan up here about

Nine thatty in thar hooge gret lorrey - wot

They park out the front and wot toterlly

Block up the hull o the main willage street

So that noboddy cunt hardly git parst

And then they unload orl o thar ole gear

And cart it rite thru me house cos, y’see,

The direcktin bluk wanta start orf with

Me in the back gardun a doin some

Diggin cos he wanta hev some ackshun.

Well, he soon hev some ackshun cos, y’see,

Shortly arter he start his filmin,

'Bobby' - wot is my dorg escearpe outa

The gardun shid - where I hev him lockt up

And hev a go at the direcktin bluk

Cos, y’see, Bobby dorn't loike brite colors

And the direcktin bluk hev orn a pear

O red trowsars. Well, the direcktin bluk

Try n shearke Bobby orf and in the end

He do - only, in doin so he go

Rite over backwoods and sit down on top

O me ole compust heep - wot wunt hev bin

Too bad only that mornen I hed just

Put out some rotten ole fruit, wot a sqwidge

Orl over the bottom o his trowsars.

Well, anyrud things dint git no better

For him in the arternoon cos, y’see,

He decide that he wanta hev me orn

Locearshun - so wot he do wus hire

Some rowen boats orf a ole Mr. Dye

So that we cud orl go out on the broad.

Well, we soon set orf alorng the ole dyke,

With the direcktin bluk, the camra bluk

And the sound bluk in one boat and with me

And the intarvue bluk in the other.

Well, we drop anckar up some ole corner

And the intarvuin bluk start arskin

His qweschuns and everythin go orl rite,

Til, that is, one o them hooge gret crewsars

Come alorng wot wus doin well over

The speed limat and wus a creertin

A hooge wearke behind it. Well, the thing wus

That the direcktin bluk - wot wus standin

Up in his boat at the toime in order

To git a better vue for filmin

Cunt see it a comin cos, y’see, he

Was fearcin in the wrong direckshun,

So when the wearke eventually crash inta

His boat he wunt exspectin it and so

That caterpullt him rite over the side

And inta the warter. Well, the funny

Thing wus that just afore he go inta

The warter he hed a full head o hare

On im, but when he come to the serfuss

He was toterly bald cos, y’see, he

A hev orn one o them thar toopay things.

Well, that wunt til arter he wus back in

His boat that he rearlize that that wunt

Still orn his head - at wot point he git orl

Erasserble and he shout at the crew

To look for it cos, y’see, that had corst

Him a lotta money. Well, anyrud

They soon start a lookin and that wunt long

Afore the camra bluk thort he'd got it,

But when he git it in, y’see, that tan

Out to be a rabbet wot hed drownded.

Next orf the sound bluk reckoned he'd got it

But when he git it in that was only

An ole glove wot someone must hev hulled out.

Well, in the end that wus the intarvue

Bluk wot spot it and he fish it out on

The tip o his oar and he pars it back

To the direcktin bluk - wot ring it out

And put it back orn - only that dint look

Very gud cos, y’see, by then that wus

Orl bedraggledy and also he dint

Hev it orn straight. Well, anyrud, that wus

When his hare come orf that I reckernize

Him cos, y’see, he hev bin out this way

Afore when he come to do a filim

Of the Waddingham St Michael Shew - wot

We hev orn every year and wot hev

Animals and wegetearbles n things,

But that wus the year when qwite a few things

Went wrong becos, y’see, Mrs. Carstle -

Wot allus do the arrangements happin

To go down wi the flue just afore hand,

So har assistant, ole Mr. Beales,

Hev to tearke over. Now, dorn't git me wrong

Old Bealesey is a nice enuff bluk

But he int too gud at orgernizin

Cos, y’see, he's gettin on a bit now

And his memry int wot it used to be,

So Mrs. Carstle she do him a list

But the problem wus that as soon as she

Give it to him he put it some plearce safe,

So that he wunt lose it and then, blow me

If, next day, he dornt forget where it wus.

Well, anyrud he git a gorn as best

He cud, but that wunt very long afore

Things start a goin astray. Now, fust orf

He leave it a bit leart in phunin up

The Thrapston Morris Men (wot we allus

Hev at our shew) so by the toime he do

They wus alreddy booked up some plearce else,

So he hev to git suffin else and that

Tan out to be the Norfolk Battle Grup,

Wot do them thar battle reinackshuns

But, at the toime, they hent never preformed

In publick afore, so noboddy knew

Weather they wus any gud or not. Next,

He toterly ferget ole Mr. Grapes

Wot allus come alorng each year to do

An expedishun of thatchin for us,

Til, that is, he bump inta him down at

The Pust Orfice - where he do remembar -

Only by them Grapesey hed got the hump

And wunt do it anyway - so Beales

Hev to search around for someboddy else

And eventual he come up with some

Ole bluk wot do torks on eel catchin.

Well, larst orf he hev a bit o trubble

Findin a judge for the 'Best Tearstin Cearke',

Wot is a competishun wot we hev

Orn each year at our shew but, y’see, thass

A jorb that noboddy ever want cos,

The wimen folk around these parts tearke it

Orl wery serius and that allus

End up with the poor ole judge gittin mobbed.

Well, in the end that fall to the wicar

Cos they orl reckoned that he'd be safer

Seein as how he's a man o the clorth.

Well, yer probabley a thinkin that orl

This dunt sound too bad - wot o corse it dunt,

But, y’see, that orl hev a part to play

In the ole chain of events wot happin

That year. Now, on the day o the shew that

Orl start orf when a cupple o boys snuk

Inta the tent where the eel bluk wus

To be a doin his tork. Now, to mearke

His ole tork a bit more intarestin

The eel bluk hed brung alorng wi him

A buckut with some live eels in it.

Now, as yew can imagun, that wunt long

Afore the boys find the buckut and start

Tryin to git a hold o the eels.

Now eels int the easiest o things

To git a grip on so that wus only

A matter o toime afore one on em

Slip outa the ole buckut and onta

The floor. Now, eels into loike fish becos,

Y’see, they can git alorng just as well

Outa warter as wot they can in it,

Provided, o corse, that they dornt dry up.

Well now, at just so happin that that year,

On the day afore the shew, we hed hed

A gret hooge thundar storm so the grass was

Still qwite wet, so when the eel landed

That soon slide orf. Now, at tan up agin,

About harf an hour learter in the

Ole cearke tent when it come out from under

A tearble just as ole Mrs. Batch wus

Puttin the finishin touches to har

Lemen spunge cearke. Now, Mrs. Batch, she hev

A thing about snearkes and naterally,

When she see it, she reckoned that that wus

A snearke and so she give a hooge holla,

And in the process she nock orf har cearke,

Wot smash to peaces on the floor. Now, that

Wunt hev bin qwite so bad but she also

Nock orf Mrs. Webb's cheese cearke wot also

Smash to peaces. Now, Mrs. Webb hed won

The competishun for the previus

Two year, so she wus on for the trebble -

Suffin wot hent never bin dun afore,

So yew can imagun that she wunt too

Pleased about it. Well, she mob Mrs. Batch

And Mrs. Batch a mob har back and soon

That tan inta a bit o a restle.

Now, the wicar, wot hed just got started

On his cearke tearstin, see it git a gorn,

So he step in and try a breark it up,

But unfortunely for him he step in

At just the wrong moment and he catch a

Rite hook in the eye orf o Mrs. Webb

Wot send him a flyin out the tent door

And crashin rite inta the leeder of

The Norfolk Battle Grup wot wus standin

Just outside - wot set orf his ole muskut.

Now, it just so happin that a shot from

The leader bluk's muskut wus the signal

Wot the grup use to start orf thar shew, so

Straight away they orl charge forwood inta

The ring with thar ole cannons a blarstin

And thar muskuts a firin - wot wunt hev

Bin too bad only, y’see, the sheep bluk

Wus still in the ring at the toime doin

His demonstrashun and he just got to

The bit where he and his dorg try n git

Orl o the sheep inta the little pen.

Well, yew can imagun wot the poor sheep

Must heva thort when orl of a suddin

The Battle Grup come chargin orn, mearkin

A hooge gret rackut. Well, the sheep tearke one

Look at em and straight away they charge orf

In every direckshun - a leavin

The poor ole sheep bluk a hangin onta

The string o the geart wile his dog go

Tearin orf arter them. Now that dint end

Thar becos, y’see, the Battle Grup hent

Ever dun thar battle afore on a

Field wot slope - cos the one they practuss

Orn was very flat, so they hent thort to

Bring with em anythin to put under

The canon wheels so, just arter they

Orl kick orf, one o thar canons a start

To roll orf down the field on its own.

Now, the direckshun wot that roll orf in

Just so happin to be the direckshun

Where the direcktin bluk hev his camra.

Now, that wunt hev bin a problem only,

Yew see, the Direcktin bluk hev hisself

A spechal sorta chair wot was about

Ten foot orf the ground, wot give him a gud

Vue o things for filimin but wot wunt

Too easy to git down orf, so when he

See the canon a comin he wunt sure,

At fust, weather to jump orf or not, but

Y’see by the toime he mearke up his mind

That wus too leart. Well, anyrud the ole

Canon crash inta the foot o his chair

And he go flyin thru the air loike one

O them thar acarobats and he come

Down rite on top o the cokercut stall,

Wot toterly demollush it and he

Even manearge to nock orf one of the

Cokernuts with his head, but Mrs. Black,

Wot run the stall, wunt let him hev it cos

She a say that he hev to use a ball.

Well, he just lay there on the floor and dint

Say nuthin, so eventual she knew

That he wunt too well and so she go git

Them ole John's Amblelance lot wot come out

Arter him with a stretchar and tearke him

Back to thar ole tent. Now, as it happin

He wunt the only person wot they hev

In thar ole tent becos, y’see, there wus

Also the sheep bluk cos, y’see, arter

The Battle Grup had charged inta the ring

He cunt actuerlly git out agin,

So he hev to lay fearce down wile orl of

The shootin wus a goin on and so

He develup shock. And next to him wus

The wicar cos, by then, his ole left eye

Hed swooled rite up so that he cunt hardly

See outa it and so he hev to hold

A bag o them ice coob things aginst it.

Well, that year wus the busiest wot them

John's Amblelance lot hev ever bin, and

Since then they hent rearly hed much to do

Cos, y’see, Mrs. Carstle hev bin back

In charge and so things hev orl gorn smoothly

And we hev gorn back to hevin the ole

Thrapston Morris Men agin as normel,

Cos, arter orl - wot posserble trubble

Can yew hev wi a few ole bluks bangin

Thar sticks togerther, jingellin thar bells

And a wavin thar hankarchiffs about?