The Prufusser come
out agin larst week
And he brung with him
some of his pupills
Cos they was a hevin
one of them thar
Fields Trips - only
that dint go orf rite
Cos some on em a stop
in afore hand
At 'The Swan' (wot is
our willage lucal)
And hev a few pints
so by the toime they
Come around to my
plearce they wus a bit
The wuss for wear.
Well, they wus all lined up
In me back gardun and
the Prufusser
Was a tellin em that
me anals wus
Part orf a
vernak vurnac part orf speekin in
Norfolk
When one on em, wot
hed bin down the pub,
Suddernly a toppel
over backwoods
And come crashin down
rite thru one o me
New kukumbar frames.
Well, the Prufusser
Give him a rite gud
bollockin and he
Give me a tenner wot
wus about rite.
But that dint end
there, y’ see, cos they hed
All come out on the
ole bus becos they
Is also doin suffin
about roots
In lucal parts - only
the Prufusser
Hent read the
toimetable rite - cos Tewsdy
There int an
arternoon servis at all
Wot mean they hed to
stop over the nite
At 'The Swan'. Well,
Fred, wot is the landlord
Hent seen nuthin
loike it in all his years
Cos they all gotta
pissed up - includin
The Prufusser and
they wus a singin
And a shoutin and ole
Fred's tekins went
Thru the roof cos
normully he only
Get one or two folks
in on a Tewsdy.
Anyrud, the Prufusser
wus out here
Again yisdy and he
brung me some more
Pearper and a new pen
cos the old un
Brook and he hev bin
urgin me to rit
Me next anal, but I
hent bin too gud
Of learte cos I hev
bin a laid up with
That thar gastricks
wot bin a gorn about,
But I is all rite now
so I reckoned
I better get a gorn
on me next un
Wot, this toime,
concern a woman wot live
In Gret Waddingham
wot is rite next to
Little Waddingham -
but funnelly that
Int no bigger than
Little Waddingham,
But I spose at wus
bigger at one toime
Else they wunt hev
called at Gret Waddingham.
Anyrud, Edna Farrow
wus a ressi rezzy live
In Gret Waddingham -
corse Edna Farrow
Int har real name -
as yew know by now
Cos I hev to watch
out for them liballs.
Howsomever, when this
story start orf
Edna hed jus bin made
a widder cos
Old Georgey Farrow,
har ole man, hed bin
Involved in a wery
bad axident
Up at Pond Farm wot
wus his plearce of work.
Now, the axident come
about dew to
An ole sess pit wot
hed bin a trubble
From the word go.
Fust orf that leak inta
The River Wad and
kill orf half the fish,
Then a bluk from the
Milk Markettin Boared
Fall in and near
drownded hisself - wot brung
Out them thar Healf
and Safeteys wot say that
Turner (wot is the
bluk wot own Pond Farm)
Wud hev to put a lid
on it - wot is
Wot he dun - only the
problem wus that
That wus too tite
fittin and hent no wents.
Corse George he knew
that that wus dangeross
And he hev a go at
ole Turner but
Turner dint do nuthin
cos that'd mean
Spendin more money
wot he wunt do till
That was loife or
death wot, as it happin,
At tanned out to be
cos learter on George
Wus a finishin orf a
fag not far
Orf the pit and he
hull the butt away
Only that wus still a
goin and so
That ignishun the gas
under the lid
Wot cause a huge
almoighty exploshum
Wot wus heard in
Waddingham St Peter
Wot is a gud few
miles orf Pond Farm
And wot kill poor ole
George Farrow outrite,
Not to menshun that
that blew up half orf
Turner's farm. Anyrud,
that wus a sad
Day all round and as
yew can imagun
Poor ole Edna wus
beside harself, but
She dint shew it cos
she wus alreddy
A workin on a plan -
cos she knew that
Turner hent a fixed
the ole sess pit lid
So she held him to
blame for George’s death
And wus termined to
hev har rewenge loike.
Now, Turner he was a
battch bacht live on his own
And hed dun for many
a year cos he
Wunt much of a catch
but he hed allus
Hed a sorft spot for
Edna ever since
They wus at Little
Waddingham Primry
Wot wus more than a
few year ago now.
Anyrud, arter
George's death Turner
Reckoned that he
moight be in with a chance
So, come the
funnerell he break a loife's
Habit and shell out
for some nice flowers
And he even do a hend
ritted card
Wot he put in along
o’ the flowers
And to his suprise
Edna wus wery
Friendly and even
inwite him back for
The wake - wot he
hent expected at all
Cos he reckoned that
she'd hold him to blame
For George’s death -
wot of corse she did - but
He dint know wot she
wus up to, yew see.
Anyrud, over the next
few weeks they
Bump inta each other
from toime to toime
In the willage and
each toime Edna wus
Very friendly to him
- wot set him orf
A thinkin that he wus
mearkin progress.
Well, one nite
shortly afore Chrismus toime
Ole Turner lay awake
on his ole bed
A tossin and a turnin
and at larst
He decide that he
would hev to ask har
Out proper. Well,
next day, wot wus Thusdy,
He go down to our
willage Pust Orfice
And he hang around
outside cos he knew
That Edna allus go
shoppin Thusdy.
Well, arter an hour
he wus fed up
A waitin so he tan
round to go hume
But just as he wus a
gorn she come
Down the rud wi har
shoppin bags and he
Jump up and go over.
Well, poor Turner
Hent dun no courtin
for many a year
So he cunt remembar
how to go on
And he jus kep a
runnin on about
The wether and the
sugar beet n all
Till eventual he wus
torkin squit.
Well, try as he wood
he jus cunt bring it
Round to askin har to
go out wi him,
So in the end, he
give up and he say:
"Cheerio" and tan
round and head orf hume,
But just as he wus a
goin she put
A small bit of
pearper inta his hend,
Wot, as yew can
imagun come as a
Total surprise to ole
Turner, becos
He wunt expectin
nuthin - not arter
All the squit wot he
hed torked. Well, as he
Wus a walkin hume he
open at up
And at say: ‘Cum yew
around to my plearce
On Sundy arternoon at
two o’clock.’
Well, ole Turner cunt
hardly believe it
But, he knew that he
must be rite cos at wus
Rit there in black
and wite on the pearper.
Anyrud, over the next
few days he
Cunt keep he mind on
his farmwork at all
Cos he wus a dreemin
about Edna,
So much so that, one
arternoon, he driv
His ole tractor
straight inta his cow shed
Wot a brung down half
o’ the bluddy roof
And they say that he
dint hardly notice.
Well, at larst, Sundy
come around and he
Wus up rite early to
give hisself toime.
Fust orf he hed
hisself a barth wot he
Hent hed since
Septembar - then he put on
His best suit wot
hent seen the loight of day
Since Narridge won
the cup and to top orf
He put on some of
that artershave stuff
Wot he won the year
afore as a prize
At the ole chutch
roof appeel raffell.
So, by the end of the
mornin yew wunt
Hev a recognized him
- if yew knew him
To start orf, that
is. Well, by ellevan
He wus a reddy but he
dint want to
Muck up his suit so
he dint move otta
His ole chair. Well,
at larst the toime come round
And he set orf down
the rud to Edna's
And that wunt long
afore he wus nockin.
Well, she open up and
shew him inside
And they sit in har
front room and hev some
Tee n biscuts. Well,
arter a while
Edna a start yawnin
and she say that
She wus tired and
needed to lay down
And she say to
Turner: "Wud yew loike to
Come upstairs?" Well,
Turner dint hev to be
Arsked twice, cos
arter all he wunt stupid,
So he foller har on
up to the room
And straight away she
tek orf all har things
And hop in the bed
and naterally
He loikwise tek orf
his things and he wus
Just about to hop in
too when she say:
"Wot's that noise I
hear?" And he say: "Wot noise?"
And she say: "That
sqweekin noise." And he say:
"I carn't hear nuthin."
And then she say back:
"That's my gearte wot
hent bin put on the latch."
Well, ole Turner
still cunt a hear nuthin,
But she go: "I wunt
be proper relaxt
Till that gearte hev
bin put back on the latch."
Well, ole Turner wunt
gonna let a gearte
Get between him and
Edna's nice warm bed,
So he grab a little
ole hend towal
And he go downstairs
and out the front door,
Only when he get to
the gearte he find
That that wunt orf
the latch at all, so he
Head back to the
front door - only to find
When he get there,
that that was shut n all.
Well, he bang on the
door and he holler
But he soon work out
that she wunt gonna
Let him in. Now, on
that ticular day
At wus wery cold
indeed and he knew
That he cunt hang
around long - wot with him
Only hevin a hend
towal to wear,
So he soon decide to
set orf back hume.
Now to get hume to
his from Edna's plearce
(As Edna ritely knew
harself) you hev
To go rite thru the
willage cos there is
Only one bridge over
the River Wad,
So ole Turner dint
hev a lot o choice.
Well, he soon got a
gorn and to start orf
He wus a doin all
rite cos there wunt
Many folks about cos
at wus Sundy.
Howsomever, when he
got near the bridge
(Wot is near the
chutch) he start hearin
Singin - wot
naterally make him fret.
Well, he cunt hardly
tan round so wot he
Decide wus to start a
runnin faster.
Well he come around
the ole chutch corner
Runnin as fast as he
hed run for years
Only to find the hull
of the willage
A standin outside the
greaveyard watchin
The W.I. a doin thar
own
Carroll concert - wot
that year wus a held
Outside cos of the
hull in the chutch roof.
Well, I dunt hev to
tell yew wot Turner
Felt loike - runnin
parst there wi nuthin on
But a hand towal,
rite thru the middle
Of Gret Waddingham on
a freezin day
With the choir doin
'Wile Shephards Watch',
And with the wicar
out front conductin.
Well, as yew can
imagun, poor Turner
Dint know weather he
was a comin or
A goin. Well, he kep
on a runnin
Only, by now, he wunt
watchin where he
Wus a gorn and so he
put his foot down
On a fruz up puddel
and come crashin
Down on the rud way -
wot nock him rite out
And wot also nock orf
his hend towal.
Well the wicar he
keep on conductin
But no matter how
hard he try he just
Cunt keep em all
togerther - spechally
Arter Mrs. Armitage-Brown
brook ranks
And head over to
where old Turner wus.
Well, she tek charge
of the situashun
And put har coat over
him but only
Arter she'd hed a gud
ole look harself
And then she phun up
the horspital wot
Send out one of them
thar amblelances
And tek him orf to
the Norfolk Genral.
Well, next day she go
up the horspital
To visit him and not
long arterwoods
They hed struck up a
bit of a friendship,
Cos Mrs. A wus a
widder harself.
Well, that all come
as a bit of a shock
To the willage folks
in Gret Waddingham
Cos Mrs. A wus a
propar lady
And Turner - he wunt
much of anythin,
But I spose she must
hev a seen suffin
In him. Anyrud, the
morell of it
Is that when yew is a
down on your arse
Wi no clothes orn -
on a fruz up rudway
In the middle of Gret
Waddingham street
Wi half the
poperleshun a watchin
Things can still tan
out all rite in the end.
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